Thursday, 5 June 2008

100 Reasons for being a Male Animal

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

19. Your last name stays put.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

60. The world is your urinal.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work....more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

86. REMOVED!

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch.

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

20 comments:

Ginro said...

That's a huge list. Not all of them are true you know.

1. Not when I want them to be.

2. Not when I want it to be.

5. I don't like football. It's like watching paint dry, lol.

15. Well maybe not guys in hockey masks.

16. Don't you believe it.

27. Who else is going to clean it if I don't?

29. I do if it was one of my daughters friends from college. Nothing happened though, and after one dance I said goodbye. But you should have heard the nagging I got from my daughter!

32. Not if you shop at Marks and Spencers.

35. Ummm...

36. Well not every night, no. However, I have known a woman whose hirsuteness would make a man cry...actually I was that man, lol.

40. Eh?

44. Well no-one's ever given me flowers before so I wouldn't know.

45. You haven't met my daughter.

46. Yes but I don't want to. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

48. I beg to differ. I have about seven pairs of boots alone.

53. No, they just stop talking full stop and spend the rest of the time staring at me and whispering.

54. So can you!

60. Ewww gross!

62. Last time I tried that I got slapped back.

63. Not delibrately no.

66. Skeevy? Waht's that?

68. Tell that to a Scotsman in a kilt.

69. I'll take that as true as I know how small-minded and bigoted people can be in the workplace.

74. Yes but I only get one shot at it. Have to wait at least ten minutes till the next one. A woman on the other hand can get as many tries as she wants.

76. That's another ewwwie ewwie! If you are saying what I think you are anyway.

77. When my daughter is home the remote isn't anyones, as it seems to disappear off the face of the planet and I can never find it.

78. Depends if I'm pulling the old 'wobble my pecs up and down' trick or not.

81. NOT from what I have been told!

86. Someday?

94. Oh yes they do.

96. If I don't remember them then no-one else will.

99. Baywatch is boring. Sorry, but it's true. I'm not into HUGE bosoms, and I believe that men who are, are in fact looking for a mother figure.

Crushed said...

Ok- 1- I WISH!!!

13- Not true.

27- No one else is going to. In fact, I am 100% responsible for ALL cleaning.

82- No.

86- I hope not- too many of those around as it is.

Nunyaa said...

Think I will remove 86 anyway, not comfortable with that in there.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Gave me a good laugh. I like 8 and 35 best.

jmb said...

Now I am intrigued Nunyaa, what was number 86?

This had me nodding my head in lots of places. I think I'll take a copy.

Yes, there is always a game on somewhere, in my family room on TV!

Lad Litter said...

87. If someone you know has a party and don't invite you, you can still be their friend.

Nunyaa said...

86 was when they are old they can be dirty old men...

Lord James Bigglesworth said...

N4 - so does a 3 month vacation.

J. C. said...

Wow, very inspired you made me laugh, a great list.

CherryPie said...

N4 I guess the kitchen sink is out then?

Nunyaa said...

Ha we all know that you take the kitchen sink with you Cherie when travelling :-)

CherryPie said...

Oh dear, I thought I was quite discreet :-/

Nunyaa said...

LOL nooo you let that slip on your site :-)

Beaman said...

I agree with all of them. Great being male. :-p

Nunyaa said...

The one good thing am envious of males, they can inconspicuously pee behind a tree.

Ginro said...

Re No. 78.

I was walking down the path this afternoon, not as usual wearing my jacket but a T-shirt as it is boiling hot today. There was a youngish guy walking towards me with his wife. As usual I looked him straight in the face at which point he dropped his eyes and, surrepticiously as we walked past each other, fixed his eyes on my chest and didn't take them off my chest until we'd walked past each other! OMG! *Sob* I feel so used!

Nunyaa said...

Have you got 'man boobs'? LOL

Ginro said...

Moobs? No. lol! They are quite well developed though. You could crack an egg off them. Perhaps he was secretly gay?

CherryPie said...

That last comment from Ginro made me think of a gay guy at the PCS conference sure confused the hell out of me!!!

Nunyaa said...

I'm at a loss LOL , be back soon.